Missing Mike

Grief is a weird thing.  Just when you think you have a handle on it, it slaps you upside the head again.  I guess it will always be that way.

Tomorrow marks the second anniversary of my brother's death.  And I have really been feeling my grief the past couple of weeks.   Some of it because I am far from home again, some of it because his death coincides with another death that has been difficult for people I love very much - and I am far from them as well.  So the far-ness, I guess has exasperated my grief this year - no surprise.

But to be honest, while I wish there was no such thing as grief, no reason to know it or feel it - that our loved ones who are not with us anymore, were with us once again -I am glad to have known it - if there has to be such a thing.  And this is why.

Grief opens my eyes to the fact that this world is broken and is not how it is supposed to be.  That ache in the heart that I feel at the depth of my grief is telling me the world is supposed to be different - better, righter.  Grief opens up the possibility of "What if life didn't have to be this way? What if it could be different, not broken?" These types of wrestlings open me up to the deepest longings of my heart.  A desire for something more, a desire that takes me outside of myself in search of the One who made me, and this world. 

So if my grief draws me closer to God, and stirs in me a longing for Heaven, and a desire to bring Heaven to earth as much as is possible this side of it, then I'll take my grief and miss my brother and know that we were created for so much more.

The bitter and the sweet

Today I have come to tears three times.

Once this morning having coffee with a friend - she was telling me about a program she had heard on the radio with Anne Grahm Lotz.  She described vividly Heaven and Hell based on what the Bible says.  What got me was my friend telling me how Lotz described Hell - "weeping and gnashing of teeth", she said must have been pain equivalent to child birth, or worse-for all eternity- and the feeling of falling in darkness never to land - forever.  I teared up - I don't want that for anybody.  That thoughts of anybody suffering in Hell would bring me to tears more often and motivate me to speak the Gospel boldly!  Can I love someone enough to get over myself and my own insecurities - does Hell as a reality motivate me to tell others about Jesus???

I was brought to tears again tonight as we were doing family worship - twice.  First as John was reading A Walk with Christ to the Cross by Dawson McAllister.  John has had a whole set of Dawson stuff since his high school days, when he was taken through the studies, and has carried it with him from place to place all these years waiting for the time to take our kids through them.  He was reading of the beating of Jesus and then on to the crucifixion - the terror of it, the horror, the agony.  Unbelievable agony unlike any I could imagine, except I found myself trying to imagine it and I was brought to tears because in my mind it was horrendous and frightening and yet, it happened -and for a purpose - to reconcile a people running from God, to God.

The final tears came as we sang these words:

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me
Because You died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true
It’s my joy to honor You
In all I do, I honor You

You are my King
You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
You are my King

In all I do, to honor You,
In all I do, Let me honor You.

I must admit that until today, Easter had not been on my mind - it has been a full and difficult couple of months and my mind has been anything but clear.  But today - and I am so thankful - today my mind was brought back to clarity, and thankfulness, and undeserved forgiveness and grace.

Today,  I tasted the bitterness of the cross and the sweetness of reconciliation.

HE IS RISEN!
HE IS RISEN INDEED!

To God be the glory.

A Vocabulary for Suffering

I recently bought two new books by the same author - Nancy Guthrie. I was briefly introduced to Nancy (methaphorically) through a box goodies for the missionary wives while we were in Peru. Each of us was sent the book, Holding on to Hope, Nancy's memoir of the births and deaths of two of her children. At the time, I remember a couple of us talking about whether to read the book together - and I think it was decided that we had enough we were dealing with living where we were - we didn't feel up to depressing ourselves more.

That was early 2007. That was also the year that a friend died from a bike accident,  my husband's grandfather passed away, his grandson unable to go to the funeral because of the high cost of flying from one continent to another,  my father -in-law was diagnosed with cancer, and dear friends, and a whole church, our church, lost a beloved little boy.

Suffering became very real to me that year, real to almost everyone I knew and loved, as well as the questions of where was God and what was he doing in it. It is true, that I had been doing a bit of suffering on my own at the time, but my grief was still yet to come. So I was grateful I had dear friends who were open with their grief - and real - and they didn't turn from God. This was life-changing for me. I was beginning to see suffering as a reality of a fallen world, not the exception to the rule of life, and also survivable.

My grief came the next year when my only brother died in his sleep at the age of 43. And while one is never prepared for such a thing, I must say that I was more prepared than I would have been a year earlier. But regardless, the grief is still significant, and painful.

I know now, that suffering is a reality - and to act like you will never be asked to suffer is foolishness. So I very much appreciate Nancy Guthrie, and her story, as well as the many other stories I have heard and been a part of these recent years, especially. And I look to these wayfarers along the journey as a cloud of witnesses - if God can walk with them through their grief and suffering, he can certainly walk with me through mine.

In light of these thoughts, here is an interview with the Guthries entitled "A Vocabulary for Suffering".

I did finally read Holding on to Hope, and I plan on reading the other two books I just bought very soon - Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow and Hoping for Something Better. They were recommended highly by someone I absolutely trust in regard to suffering and faith - someone who knows firsthand. Nancy also has one more book that has just come out or is on the way, Be Still My Soul.

I trust Nancy (and R.) because she won't give easy answers - she knows that sometimes, some days, there is no answer - there is only walking by faith.  But she is a helpful guide along the way, to be sure.

It does matter

I was once told that it seems like the only issue important to Christians politically is abortion. I didn't really know what to say because I could see where someone who didn't find it that important could see it as a hobby-horse issue for the "unthinking". But as I thought about it more, I came to the conclusion that if it was the only issue, it was enough - it still mattered. How can life be just a political issue? It's not. And that's why we fight and pray and seek wisdom on helping women in desperate circumstances - how to love them and direct them towards life and not death. And to work to put those lawmakers who would fight for life into office and remove those who would not. The fight against abortion does matter.

So I was very excited and encouraged and awed when a friend sent me this link today from our home town.

A Call to Christians

This is not a call to vote for Senator McCain. And it is not a call to vote for Senator Obama. It is a call to prepare oneself to respond with respect and dignity to the man, who will be God's sovereign choice as our next President of the United States. Conservative Christians will need to lead the way in honoring a President Barak Obama, whether they agree with his policies or not. Liberal Christians will need to lead the way in treating a President John McCain with dignity and respect, whether they agree with his policies or not. We can disagree and still treat one another with honor, dignity and respect. It is part of what the nation was built on. If we were to always agree on everything, we would need a whole different political system.

But we are about to hire a new President, and we all have a choice in the matter. So today, make your choice, if you haven't already. And then follow Jesus, who through the apostle Paul says in Romans 13, "Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God....Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed."

Liberal and Conservative Christian friends, let us lead the way in giving honor and respect, being salt and light to an unbelieving world. Not disdain, not despair, not condecension and insults, but graciousness, graciousness in the way we speak about him, graciousness in the way we disagree with his policies, graciousness in regard to the office itself - not a small feat to achieve. Because regardless of whether he is your choice or my choice, he is God's choice and His ways are wiser than ours.

Finding rest and peace in Colorado

We are currently in Colorado Springs visiting our dear, dear friends, Chris and Holly and their four children. We have fifteen years of friendship to go on and I tell you what, this gal is always a source of great encouragement to me. And Chris is ok too. :) Although he tends to bring out the base in me.

Since we arrived last night, I have been bombarded with much needed encouragement. I knew I was feeling empty and spent, but I had not realized just how much until today.

When we arrived, Holly all but met me at the door with a big smile on her face and said, "You are published. Come and see." A few months ago, Holly had called and told me that she was going to be putting together a cookbook in partnership with Beth Moore's Lifeway ministries and would I mind if she used some of my pictures. Well, the finished product is so great. So many women contributed to the book and Holly's efforts have created a culinary masterpiece with a heart, if you will. And to top it off, all of the proceeds go to Life Outreach International, working to provide clean drinking water for people without such a basic neccessity. I am so honered to have a part in this. The Siesta Fiesta Cookbook can be purchased from Holly. Go on and get you one right now!

And then we headed to church this morning. The music and worship was energetic and exuhberant. These people were loving the Lord with all their souls and it was beautiful. I was just enjoying the energy, and then, He got me. During the offering a gal sang a song - Painting Pictures of Egypt by Sara Groves.

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

My friend Rae had given me this song last year when I was really struggling with homesickness living in Peru. Hearing the song today, this side of Peru, where we are right now, hit me hard and before I knew it, tears were flowing. I think more of a catharsis of all the emotion I have been trying to deal with -saying goodbye, saying hello, moving, traveling - it all just came out and I felt...relief. Relief from stress, relief from self-induced pressure, relief from fear that things are not going to work out the way we would want. I felt the Lord remind me again that He is walking this journey with us and that no matter how it will go, He will be with us the entire way.

I love the line "the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned", and to be honest I really am still processing so much that I don't have much coherancy to my thoughts. I am still wrestling with what I am looking back for and what I am moving towards. But regardless, today, the Lord met me. He met me through song and he met me through my friends. He brought me much needed peace and I am grateful.

Title change

Yes, Lindsey, and everyone else who was thinking the same thing. I can't very well be calling myself "the gringa" in Calgary. I have been wrestling with the name change thing over the past couple of days, reading a ton of T.S. Eliot trying to find some cool line from a poem that I could steal and make myself seem oh-so-profound. But alas, as much as I really do love Eliot, all the lines that I was drawn to were a bit despairing (my favorite speaking of measuring out one's life in coffee spoons. Why do I love that line so much - I love it more than coffee.)

Anyway, the dilemma has been that I am not done with Peru, nor do I want to be "done" with Peru. I will have more to say about her before we go and then more after we have been gone and I am missing her quirky ways. I have great friends here. My kids have great friends here. I have learned to appreciate adventure and to almost welcome unpredictability - well, maybe not welcome it, but to be ok with it - to look it in the eye and not be afraid of it. Peru has been heart and soul shaping and I don't want to forget even a little bit of the effect this experience has had on my life, my faith, my heart.

So I didn't want to create a title that would negate the reality of where I am still, while looking ahead to what will come next and wanting to be engaged with both - both worlds.

And thus, the epiphany (although not the most clever I am sure and please don't let me know how many other bloggers out there have this title - ignorance is bliss). I like this title because it goes with me wherever I go -wherever God takes me - with whomever he takes with me to be in the midst of whomever he chooses to surround me. I also like it because I struggle with the "world between the worlds" in which we live. The already and the not yet. The what has been and what will also be.

I find myself teetering "from one world to another" in my spiritual life as I long to know God as all I'll ever need and then find myself coveting that beautiful thing I saw at my friends house - that thing I don't have. I find myself longing for Heaven to be free from hurt, and then wishing my kids would stay exactly as they are right now. I want it and I don't.

So, there you go. New title. Same blah blah blahing.
Same me. That's all I got today.

Zephaniah 3:17

The ESV translates this verse as: "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great joy in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will exult over you with singing."

I love this verse and it has been a great comfort to me in recent days.

As I was working on my Bible Study for the house moms at the orphanage, I came across this verse again, but this time in Spanish. I LOVE the translation the Reina Valera(King James)gives in Spanish and I think it captures the voice of the Lord in these words even more than my beloved ESV translation.

Listen:
Jehová está en medio de ti, poderoso, él salvará; se gozará sobre ti con alegría, callará de amor, se regocijará sobre ti con cantícos.

Transalation (mas o menos):
Jehova is in the middle of you, powerful, He will save; He will be joyful over you with happiness/joy (emphasis with the repetition), He will quiet lovingly, He will rejoice over you (still even more joy over us!) with songs.

I just love it. I love that the Spanish says "He is in the middle of you", because I can know that He is with me, but how much closer is being in the middle of me and what is going on in my life! I NEED Him in the middle of me and everything else going on around me. And I love the gentleness of the quieting us by his love. I get so worked up over things that are out of my hands, but not out of His. So He calms me and reassures me with words such as these. And I love that He is rejoicing and rejoicing over me. Why? Why in the world would He? But He does. Because I am His in and through Christ.

Oh Lord Jesus, please stay in the middle of me!

Questions

I alluded in one of my recent posts that I have been thinking through some things, wrestling might be more accurate. We have been wandering through some uncertain times lately, and have witnessed some big disappointments, for us and for others. It's natural and common, for believers who trust in a sovereign, omnipotent God of the Universe to ask "why are these things happening?" especially when we know "Who" is in control of all things.

But these past several months, I have been wondering if I will ever have any of the answers to my "why?" questions. I find myself looking for comfort in what I think I see God doing, only to find out as the thing progresses, that he is not doing what I thought he was doing after all - and in fact I didn't really like what He did do.

So I have been wrestling even more deeply with my own question: Where do I look for comfort? In what? In whom?

I thought it was in Jesus, but as circumstances unfold and life brings disappointment, I must confess that I was finding comfort in my circumstances. And not simply IN my circumstances, but how I TRANSLATED God working in my circumstances. I found comfort when I thought I had figured out what God was doing. Only to be disappointed when I was proven wrong.

But I am finding more and more that I have no idea what God is doing. Not in the big picture - in that I know what Scripture says and I rest in the truth that regardless of what I see, He is at work in the world for his glory and for our good. Jesus is the King of the Universe and the rightful King at that. I am not worried about the big picture. In fact I am finding more rest in the big picture than I ever have before. Because I have a deeper sense of thankfulness for the big picture, I think - Jesus gave his life to redeem sinners, that means me. Through Him, I am forgiven, redeemed, accepted and dearly loved by the Father and I know that someday I won't be disappointed anymore. Life on the other side. Glorious peace.

But the little pictures, my picture, my family's picture, my friend's pictures - all the pictures in which he is working out a gallery of glory - I don't understand the brokenness - death, sickness, poverty, betrayal, assault, disappointment. And I would always be frustrated if that became my goal, my passion, my drive in life - to understand the "why?" to everything that goes on in every little picture of those I love, and in my own little picture.

So what can I know?
I can know who.
And I can know where.

Who? God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.

Where? With me. He promised. "Never will I leave you or forsake you."(Heb.13:5) Wow. It sounds callous to say that this never meant that much to me before. I knew it was true, but I didn't KNOW it, I didn't make it mine. Because I had these other things I could run to that held me up, or so I thought.

I have been searching my Bible and I have yet to find anywhere a promise to be spared any of the brokenness of this world. I even think the Lord's promise of protection is not that we will always avoid pain, injury, assault, death in this world (obviously), but that in Christ we are bound for somewhere else were we will always be safe and that He is with us when we are safe and when we are unsafe, when we are healed and when we are not healed, when we get what we are seeking and when it alludes us once again. He does promise to be with us, in every situation, and in every place. And He promises to be our helper, our support, our refuge, our guide, and tons of other stuff meaning He is moving with us and for us in all these things we go though. Those promises abound. And one other thing, not so much a promise as a fact... He has already won. The victory is ours, the party is planned, but there is still work to do. We aren't done yet. And neither is He. And sometimes that's hard to live with.

I'm still thinking on these things. In December, I asked the Lord to show himself to me as friend. I needed to know him more deeply in that way. He has, but not how I would have guessed. He has inundated me with words regarding his steadfast love, like in the book Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card. It seems as if every thing I read right now is teaching me about the steadfast love of the Lord - steadfast - not moving - not moving away from me - with me in every circumstance and situation I enter into, move through and come out of. And even then he is still with me.

A couple of weeks ago I read this verse regarding Joseph's circumstances:
Genesis 39:20-21 And Joseph's master took him and put him into the prison, the place where the king's prisoners were confined, and he was there in prison. But the LORD was with Joseph and showed him steadfast love...Wow.

Could the LORD have opened the prison gates like he did with Peter? Yes. But he didn't. He didn't remove Joseph from prison for two years. But He did sustain him with His steadfast love.

I feel I'm rambling now, but I have wanted to write some of this out for some time. If you got this far, thanks. Any thoughts or comments are welcome. They sharpen me, encourage me, redirect me from error.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.
For that, I am thankful.

Confessions

I confess. I am a feast or famine blogger. I'm really sorry about that. I have lots of excuses.

The heat. It's just energy sapping. I'm sweating right now just sitting at my computer, which is right next to an open window.

Busyness. We are preparing for the Spring break rush of RUF teams as well as have been picking up activity with the university ministry including helping with a wedding. All of these things I am very excited about. I love when the teams come, because I get excited when they get excited about what is going on here. And it's fun to meet new people and to see old friends.

I'm excited about the wedding because it is the beginning of a new family consisting of two people John and I have come to love dearly - Liz, the director of the orphanage and Obal, the most recent President of the RUF group here. The wedding will be next Saturday, March 15, the day the RUF groups from OU and Alabama arrive and I think the group from SMU (who arrives this Saturday) will leave . That will be a busy day. (or maybe they leave Friday - I can't remember)

And one other reason- I have nothing to say.

Actually, there are a few things I have been learning and working through and have thought about writing about, but I just haven't gathered my thoughts together to do so. Maybe my thoughts will never be gathered. :)

In the meantime, I have been reading some amazing stuff and I will share a few quotes soon.

But right now Justin is hanging over me waiting for his turn on the computer.

And that's another reason. I'm sharing the computer with 5 other people.
There are only so many hours in a day.

Jesus, I am resting, resting...

I am listening to this song right now done by Matthew Smith (from the Indelible Grace gang) from his album "All I Owe". His voice is strong and smooth and lends a great depth to a song already full to the brim.

This song speaks to where I am.

It's a great place to be.

It's a hard place to be.

But great.

Jesus! I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
As Thy beauty fills my soul,
For, by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.

Jesus! I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

Oh, how great Thy loving kindness,
Vaster, broader than the sea:
Oh, how marvelous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know what wealth of grace is Thine,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart,
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings,
Thine is love indeed.

Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory,
Sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with Thy grace.

Taste and see.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.

This verse encouraged me

For the Lord will not cast off forever, but though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.

Lamentations 3:32-33

I love this because while it acknowledges God's sovereignty and providence, even in times of grief, sorrow, and trial - it also tells me that his heart is empathetic for us, and that he has compassion for us in the midst of the trials that he brought on. It's through these trials he refines us, and sanctifies us, but it does my heart good to know that he knows how much my heart hurts while in them - and that he knows how weak and frail I am and he comforts me because of the ABUNDANCE of his steadfast love.

This is the word of the Lord.

Thanks be to God.

Back online with Madeleine L'Engle

Well, after I posted the info about my Vonage being out, the internet went to pot too and after that the water. But all is well now, with intermittent internet outages, but that has been for everyone, so I can live with that. It's when my house is the only house with the problem that I lose my cool. Misery loves company, I guess.

That said, in all my spare time not stolen from surfing the net and reading everyones blogs, I read all of Madeleine L'Engle's And it Was Good : Reflections on Beginnings,the first from her non-fictional work, the Genesis Trilogy. I love her voice. I don't always love everything she says, but honestly I really don't love everything any mere mortal says. And I really don't love everything I say -but digressing again...

It was a good read. L'Engle sometimes gets labled as a liberal - and maybe she was, but as far as I have read thus far, she is solid on her doctrines of Jesus, the Trinity, and her view of God is large with Him being the Supreme Creator and sustainer of the universe. She may err on the liberal side when it comes to social issues, but I am becoming less and less bothered - not because I agree, because on some of these issues, I don't agree with her at all. But because I hear what she is saying and her voice is a much kinder, gentler and frankly more respectful voice than I hear coming from those in the public eye with whom I would agree. For that I admire her.

So I want to share a few of my favorite quotes. FYI - she does tend to use language in order to shock, like saying she is "agnostic" knowing full well that's going to push people's buttons. I kind of like her spunk. :) So take what you will - and leave the rest.

From the chapter entitled The God Who is Free:
In our own daily lives, in smaller but nevertheless significant ways, how can we tell whose voice it is we are hearing?
Sometimes we can't, for the tempter is extremely clever, and is a superb mimic. but he always slips. If there is even a touch of any of the temptations offered Jesus after the baptism, then it is not the voice of the Holy Spirit we are hearing. If we are gently patted on the back and told that we have a particularly devout and effective prayer group, if we are complimented, ever so gently, on the depth of our spirituality, if we are set apart, even a little, from the rest of creation, then we can make a reasonable guess as to whose voice we are hearing."

From the chapter entitled Paradoxes in Prayer:

...I would like all the answers re:my prayer life, my spiritual life, handed me all tidily wrapped up. But I have learned that if I want neat unconflicting answers, I would have to go to some rigid sect where my free will would be denied. And so I learned to rejoice in questions.

At a church conference recently someone asked, "You have referred to your agnostic period. What happened to get you out of it?"
And I reply, joyfully, that I am still an agnostic, but then I was an unhappy one, seeking finite answers, and now I am a happy one, rejoicing in paradox. Agnostic means only that we do not know, and we finite creatures cannot know, in any intellectual or ultimate way, the infinite Lord, the undivided Trinity. Now I am able to accept my not-knowing- and yet, in a completely different way, in the old biblical way, I also know what I do not understand, and that is what my agnosticism means to me now. It does not mean that I do not believe; it is an acceptance that I am created, that I am asked to bear the light, knowing that this is the most wonderful of all vocations.

And from the chapter The God Who Cannot Fail:

And as long as I have even a small splinter of unlovingness lodged in my heart, how can I look down on or judge anybody else? Jesus says that I must not. I know that I cannot throw the first stone, and I hope that, no matter how many sinful prodigal sons are invited, I will still want to go to the party.

It's 6am...

I have been up since 3:30 and my cat has been freaking out yelling at me and chasing shadows the entire time. Brian Franklin's sanctification bird is twittering the world awake and I can can hear the water gushing from the street into the cistern out back and up to our tank on the roof. I am not making sense and am seriously considering going back to bed.
It's gonna be a good day. :)

The winter of my discontent

I'm tired of cold. We have been cold since May. Yesterday was the first day of Spring. Feels like it did the first day of Fall - like winter.
Now I know my friends sweltering in Texas and the likes would like to send me some not so nice comments about sweating and suffocating as soon as you walk outside your house. I do understand. I was you once - wishing for a chill to refresh my parched skin. But 5 months is long for a chill. And we can't get away from it - it's cold inside too. Brian and Janelle, Steffani - remember how it felt when you were here? It still feels that way!
I'm tired of going to bed in my warm jacket, socks and extra blanket - since May. I'm tired of sitting in the park wishing the sun would show it's face for a brief moment an chase the chill away from my cold, cold nose.
But alas, what are we to do. Just wait. Just wait and hope that winter in Trujillo will not be eternal.
City of the eternal Spring - spring in Antarctica maybe.

More on Waiting

This quote especially got me as I think about the work here and how, after 9 years, Peru Mission is really seeing some of those seeds sown in the early days coming to fruition. I am not patient - if I don't see it coming to fruition within a few months,or if I'm really honest, weeks (ouch!) in my mind it ain't gonna happen.
Lord, that I would have the patience to wait and the strength to persevere in hope.
Help me, please.

When we see things we believe need to be changed, most of us are impatient to see them done at once. The kingdom of God does not operate spectacularly, with a sudden rush of irresistible force, but rather like seed and yeast. These are small and wholly unimpressive and go to work only when buried. They need an appropriate medium in which to generate change, but the life-principle is there, latent but powerful, ready to begin the slow and marvelous process of transformation.

Our prayers for change--in people, in situations--are summed up in the old petition, "Thy kingdom come"--but when we ask for that we are asking for what may seem an excruciatingly drawn-out business. We will need the patience of the farmer and the baker who, having done the one thing needful, then quietly (and with calm faith) wait for the thing to happen.
- Elisabeth Eliot

Under the shadow of His wings

I think it is finally hitting me - the gravity of the earthquake. I don't mean that I didn't understand the gravity of what has happened, but it is seeping deeper into my soul, especially as we continue to receive notes of love and care thanking and praising God that we are ok. I am touched by how loved we are and so, so thankful. But it is also making me think again of the question, "what does it mean to be under God's care - His protection?".

That question burned in my mind in the wake of little Knox Anderson's accident and it comes at me again. How do I make sense of tragedy in this world? We were in the earthquake, 90 miles north of the epicenter, where no major devastation occurred. Does that mean we were in God's hands and others weren't? What about the people of Ica, and Pisco, the worshipers in the church that caved in while they were worshiping?

Since Knox's death, my categories for what it looks like to trust God and what it means to be under God's protection have radically altered - for the better I must say. Being under God's care no longer means that hard things will not happen to me - that my spouse won't die tragically, or my child, or that the ceiling won't come crashing down on me while I am worshiping.

There is nothing staving off tragedy from my life except the sovereign will of God. That is why we were not in Pisco. That is why we left Lima unscathed and frankly unknowledgable of how devastating the quake had been until the news reports began to come in. So how do I view God? As a God who may let rip on me at any moment? Or as a Father who weeps with us?

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom. 8:38-39

I have to trust in my Father who is bigger than the tragedies that life this side of heaven brings. I have to trust in him to whom my soul belongs. My faith does wax and wane - a lot, but His Hand is sure and his Heart for me is a safehaven for my soul.

The question is not whether these things will happen, but rather how do we respond when they do? Lord Jesus, I need so much more faith to bear life this side of Heaven. Or rather to hold faster, and cling tighter to Him who is faithful.

It's 5:40am...

I woke up at 3:30 to help Jason get his bed cleaned up. He threw up. Then I lay in bed and couldn't go back to sleep, so I have just spent 2 hours catching up on everybody else's blogs. I apologize for any miscellaneously random comments. I should know better than to post during the "delirious hours", but, oh well. Now as I am getting ready to head back to bed, I hear Brian and Janelle's Sanctification bird singing them awake with his distinctive song. He missed them . He sang louder while they were gone to Macchu Picchu. He missed Brian throwing stuff out the window at him. What will he do when they leave? Fly north?

From duty to delight

I have been thinking more about the previous post with the quote by Elisabeth Eliot. I so much don't want to communicate that we are to be "grin and bear it" Christians, or "suck it up and do it" Christians. Jesus never called us to just "suck it up". But he has called us to live in a fallen world, and there are times when I don't want to get out of bed, or take care of my kids, or love my husband well. I just want to wallow in all the ugliness of me. I believe those are the times the quote speaks of.

Life is such a balance between desire and duty. What do we do during the times when our desires don't match up to the life Christ has called us to? I remember many years ago feeling so depressed that even that the thought of reading my Bible was excruciating. At the same time though, John and I began really growing in our understanding of the Gospel. I remember sitting one night with my Bible open and not wanting to read it. I knew my heart didn't want to read it and so my solution was to not read my Bible until my heart had the desire. (oh tricksy and false heart of mine) I asked John, "If I really don't want to read my Bible right now, should I still? Because I don't want to be legalistic and just do it out of duty." He said, " You need to ask yourself why you don't want to read it and then you need to pray that God will change your heart and give you a desire for His Word and as you are praying, you need to start reading. Go to Jesus."

Isn't that not also what Jesus tells us what to do? "Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gently and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."(Matt. 11:28-30)

Our Saviour is gentle and lowly of heart - not a demanding taskmaster. He knows we are burdened - He does not tangle with whether or not we should feel burdened - He knows life this side of Heaven is difficult and energy-sapping. He does not say , "Come to me and I will take away all of your burdens." or "Come to me and I will remove the yoke from your neck." He calls us to "Come". He gives us an action to do. He promises that His yoke is easy-easier than our own self-imposed yoke- and that His burden is light-lighter than our burdens of fear, oppression, doubt,etc. How is that even possible? That His yoke be easy for us and His burden light? Because is it not true that He is carrying the weight of our burden? Is it not true that He is working in and through us with all "His energy"(Col. 1:29)? His energy - I love that, because most days, I don't have any energy of my own.

The key to the Elisabeth Eliot quote that spoke so much to me was the words, "by faith" in the midst of everything else she said. Grinning and bearing it and "sucking it up" does not require faith. But holding fast to Christ in the midst of trials and afflictions does. Getting out of bed sometimes requires faith that my Saviour will work in me today as He has promised - that He will energize me in a way I can't even foresee to do things, even easy things, like get my Spanish homework done, or again explain that the "ph" makes and "f" sound for the dozenth time with patience that is for my child instead of being irritated, or to read His Word when I would rather read something else, something less demanding on my soul - or to endure life altering hard things and persevere.

Jesus bids us come - when we are empty - and He promises to give us "all things we need for life and godliness"(1Pet. 1:3)...by faith. Jesus bids us come and empowers us through His grace -nothing more, nothing less. He bids us come because He is at work in us to will and to act according to His good pleasure(Phil.2:13). And has He not promised, that He is for us? He has.

What shall we say then to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died- more than that, who was raised- who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceeding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or fmine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31-39)

Let that move our duty into the relm of delight - into the "obedience that comes from faith"(Rom.1:5), "compeled by the love of Christ" for us (2Cor. 5:14).

The Week in Review

I have been struggling with what to say regarding my week in Texas.There is too much. I want to say how much I love the body of Christ at Westminster in Bryan. I want to say how much I love the community of Bryan/College Station. We cherish our relationships. I had a good week, a full week. I was rarely in one place for more than a couple of hours except to sleep. I spent the night at four different friends houses. I had a different breakfast, lunch, and dinner date each time, and visits in between. I was running on adrenaline and felt like I was on speed most of the week...and I am grateful for every bit of it. I am grateful for my friends who see me as a good excuse for a party. I am grateful that we all just enjoy being together, no matter what is going on with life. I am grateful for the many conversations about deep things and not so deep things. I am grateful for friends and family in which I trust with my heart so deeply, I did not once feel vulnerable or insecure or "do they really want to spend time with me?". I am grateful for the manner in which this body is being shepherded. I am grateful for my time with my family in Houston. I am so thankful that my mom and Marion were so generous and thoughtful to lend me a car and a cell phone for my visit up to Bryan. I could not have had the trip I had with out those necessary implements. I am grateful that they have each other to walk through life with. I am grateful for time spent with Jon and Rachel for their honesty and faith. They can not have any idea how much I have been affected by the way they are walking this path - one foot at a time is still walking, isn't it, friends. There is so much more I am grateful for. My regret is that I didn't have more time to see more of our people there. I love them dearly and am so thankful that they still consider us a part of the family and community there. We are a part, and we do feel it even a continent away in Peru. We are exactly where we are supposed to be right now, we do not doubt it - we see it. But we do miss home. And that is a good thing. I never want to stop missing what we have in Texas. I have uploaded my pictures from the trip to our Flickr site. All 222 of them :)